7 ‘Positive’ Traits That Are Secretly Anxiety In Disguise

Do you find yourself saying yes to everything? Maybe you worry that if you say no, the other person will be mad at you, or you’ll have FOMO later. Or more generally, you might feel like you’re walking on a tightrope all the time, trying to be “good enough” and relating a little extra hard to Taylor Swift’s song “mirrorball.”
While these feelings may play out as competence and hard work — good qualities — they can indicate the presence of anxiety. It’s important to know that’s not a bad thing, but it can be unhelpful.
“This is especially true when we find ourselves engaging in behaviors to avoid sitting with the discomfort of anxiety,” said Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, a psychologist and the media adviser for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation.
While it’s only natural to try to avoid anxiety — or any uncomfortable emotion — stress that’s not dealt with can lead to health problems, harmful coping strategies and more.
So, consider trying to be more aware of when you’re falling into that trap. Ahead, check out some of the signals. Do they hit home?
A soothing voice and calm demeanor can be beneficial in crisis situations, like when a kid gets hurt or there’s a PR issue at work. The concern lies in what may have contributed to the person responding that way.
“Those who are more used to the stress of anxiety tend to react to crisis and extreme stress more effectively because their brains are acclimated to these high-stress states,” explained Amelia Kelley, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author of “Surviving Suicidal Ideation: From Therapy to Spirituality and the Lived Experience.”
“Something to be mindful of with this, however, and a coping skill to adopt, is that all bodies will hit a point of burnout, and with someone with high anxiety, they may not realize there is an issue until they are experiencing extreme reactions and even medical issues and inflammation,” Kelley explained.
What to try instead: Simply put, give yourself breaks — especially after highly stressful moments — instead of trying to power through without breaking a sweat.
“This is a common skill used for those who function well in crisis on the job (nurses, police officers),” Kelley said.
With nurses in particular, recent research recommended expressing emotions, exercising, joining a support group, getting proper sleep, participating in mindfulness and more. Additionally, a common calming hack among first responders is settling into a present, neutral headspace.
Really, it’s all about what helps you relax, though.
Turning in A+ work will certainly make your boss happy, but its roots might not be so positive. If you notice you’re hyper-aware of your mistakes, have lofty goals or even procrastinate, you’re looking at a few signs of perfectionism (and, side note, there are different types of perfectionists).
Basically, perfectionism can serve as a defense mechanism when you’re anxious about failing or not being “good enough.”
“People who struggle with anxiety may feel that anything less than perfect will lead to judgment or negative consequences, so they set impossibly high standards for themselves,” Lira de la Rosa explained. “Beneath the drive for flawlessness is often a deep fear of making mistakes and the consequences that come with them.”
While that may be something to work on, it’s important to validate that in today’s world, it’s a totally fair reaction. You may feel like you have to produce perfect work to make money, keep your job and survive in this economy. You may also love the dopamine rush that comes when people inevitably compliment your work.
Perfectionism is “widely applauded in our accomplishment-driven society,” Kelley explained.
What to try instead: Lira de la Rosa recommended aiming for “good enough,” celebrating progress over perfection and practicing self-compassion. “Embrace the idea that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth, not signs of failure,” he said.
Repeating mantras like “Perfect is the enemy of good” and “Better done than perfect” might be helpful as well.
“Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by how much you accomplish.”
A couple of ways to practice self-compassion include talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend and taking care of your body.
Proactively, Kelley recommended a HALT check: Are you hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired? Are those basic needs and your more complex ones (like relationships and existential things) met first? Attending to those pieces can help prevent burnout, too.
Similar to perfectionism, you may overachieve to fight the anxious, nagging thought that you aren’t or will never be enough.
“People may throw themselves into work or responsibilities as a way to manage feelings of inadequacy or to avoid uncomfortable emotions,” Lira de la Rosa said.
This could also look like joining a bunch of extracurriculars or doing The Most on the job, for example.
What to try instead: Valuing balance and well-rounded well-being may be the ticket.
“Set aside time for rest, hobbies and relationships, even if it feels uncomfortable at first, to avoid burnout and maintain mental health,” Lira de la Rosa said. “Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by how much you accomplish.”
Perhaps at the intersection of perfectionism and overachieving, we have over-functioning.
“Being on top of everything at all times can make someone look like they have everything together and are a high achiever, but it can also be a sign that someone fears losing control and feels the need to hyper-manage their life,” Kelley said.
Unfortunately, this can also lead to a host of other problems. She listed stress, health concerns, issues with anger management and emotional regulation, overcommitment and commitments falling through the cracks, unhealthy narratives about perfectionism, and difficulty asking for help.
What to try instead: Rather than push yourself to get everything done well (and alone), ask for help! Seriously, it’s OK.
Kelley recommended “delegating and setting the personal limit on what needs to be accomplished to a much more manageable state.” Allow yourself to be imperfect, she continued, and practice self-compassion in conjunction with that.
Do you feel anxious at the idea of making someone unhappy by not doing what they want? Maybe you push your preferences to the side and say “yes” to everything to avoid conflict? These are signs of people-pleasing.
“They go out of their way to make others happy, even at the expense of their own needs, because they fear that saying ‘no’ or disappointing others will result in disapproval, loss of relationships or other negative outcomes,” Lira de la Rosa explained. “This can be a manifestation of social anxiety and fear of not being accepted.”
What to try instead: While it may feel scary, push yourself to set healthy boundaries, stick to your values and say “no,” Lira de la Rosa encouraged. Take care of yourself.
Baby steps can help you get there. He suggested people “gradually experiment with small instances of assertiveness and notice that relationships often improve when you are honest about your own needs.”
For example, you might tell your parent that you’re uninterested in talking about your appearance and find that they respect that, opting for more meaningful questions at family dinners.
Empathy — or understanding and sharing someone’s feelings — is a beautiful thing and an important part of relationships.
At the same time, it has “cons,” so to speak, especially at extreme levels. It can contribute to people-pleasing and feeling hopeless, to name a couple of effects (aka, one reason why “doomscrolling” is not a good idea).
Kelley said high levels of empathy are associated with higher levels of inflammation and can contribute to social anxiety, as well.
What to try instead: Again, healthy boundaries and self-compassion are important. More specifically, Kelley suggested meditation and positive self-talk.
“This can help translate extreme empathy responses to compassion for others, which has a positive impact on our well-being,” she explained.
Feel the urge to be in charge of everything so it gets done (and gets done right)? Maybe you’re the “mom friend” when you and your friends go out drinking, or you feel like everyone’s well-being is on your shoulders, or you hate having to rely on others during group projects.
If so, you may be taking “hyper-responsibility.” While this can feel helpful, it can also put undue stress on you.
“Taking on too much responsibility can come from a need to feel in control of uncertain situations or to prevent potential problems,” Lira de la Rosa said. “This may stem from anxiety about the future or a fear of being blamed if things go wrong.”
These individuals may take on tasks that aren’t theirs, he continued, believing it will prevent negative outcomes.
What to try instead: Two keywords: delegate (to others) and challenge (yourself).
“Learn to delegate and trust others to manage their own responsibilities,” Lira de la Rosa said, adding that not everything is within your control or can be made perfect. “Challenge the thought patterns driving the need to over-control by considering the actual likelihood of worst-case scenarios happening.”
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Lira de la Rosa stressed that he wants to validate what people are experiencing while also acknowledging the harm. “Anxiety is a normal, human emotion and can help us achieve, but it can also be detrimental to our overall well-being,” he said.
The main takeaway here: Take care of yourself in these anxiety-ridden moments, setting boundaries and giving yourself compassion. Your mind and body deserve it.